my celebrity look-alikes

alright. so its Christmas eve and here i am to whine about my problems...what a loser you guys out there must be thinking. but this one thing has been hovering in my mind since long and (*sigh) here i am to blurt it out at this world forum.
they say that in every relationship one loves more than the other.but tell me what if you end up being that fool who loves with all that he has? how would it feel if you were to trust some one with all your soul and in return be looked upon with suspicion? what would it feel like when every time you really need to talk and all you are greeted with, is a rather cold shrug?
and to top it all up what if that person ends up being your biggest strength?
well now that's my story. my story of me and my best friend.
shes one person I've known like since eternity and dont remember any other I've loved so much either.I've kindov grown accustomed to her being around me always, making those "ugh.. what the.." kindov faces every time i randomly throw a pj at her. but i learnt.
she seems a silent teacher that destiny decided to give me. she remained silent every time Ive made a fool of my self,and even tough she knew what i was going for was going to break me , hurt me in the end.. she still remained silent.
she let me learn that no ones going to stands by you.. in the end its just you and your dreams and the countless hurdles in between.
i sometimes don't believe some one could affect me so much..could any one really matter that much? I've always known my self to be this care free perplexed idiot who keeps throwing her shit attitude even when not required. I'm loud.I'm hyper,and now..another adjective seems to have made place for it self..loser.
yeah ,u go ahead .feel at home.
what my grey cells fail to grasp is where the devil did we go wrong? and yeah i forgot to mention, my dark angel hearts her :/ ..and that's one reason why the fingers always tend to point at me..so much so that my fingers betrayed me too.
but its true. shes perfect.
and now I'm scared.her increasing coldness is kinda creepy,an somehow im just not ready to face it. you have no idea how much it hurts.
its a kind of pain that's some where deep in you mind..and every time you feel its finally subsided, it pricks you again, mocks you, teases you ,tries to brain wash you...
i tried talking to her a couple of times about this; tsk (weak smile) like she even cares, and wast a bit ashamed to admit the same either.
i sometimes so badly wish i didn't need her so bad.i wish she hadn't come into my life in the first place; but then again would i have been me that way?
maybe things will turn out to be fine someday.maybe she (*sigh) forget it..
me. the loser.

just needed to
say a few thankyous:

thank you for the
three special people
you brought into my life..
and all of a sudden
this funny place now looks worthwhile.

thank you for the lovely
site, that gave wings to
a world of ov possibilities.

thank you..for letting me
meet me.And realise what
i actually want,
my priorities,my relationships.

and above all,thank you,
for giving me a dream*
i can call my very own.

-amen

angelica.

...and she runs, oblivious to the slap of the wind against her pale white face. The tears from her red swollen eyes flowing down her cheeks, like rivulets rushing to meet a rather sober sea, the saltiness adulterating the rain.Her black wild tresses brushing against the nape of her neck, she runs a damp hand through them. Her arms moving fast in fury.Her fists clenched. Her white hands now had nail marks of blood red, she runs.A strong sudden gust of wind pushes her back,tripping over a stone, she stumbles.Half groggy, she looks again at that emerald blaze....

theres nothing to lose, no! not any more..

"angelica.."

she runs, even faster now,

"angelica..where are you.. "

she shuts her eyes as if to veil the pain her heart was wrenching, not my soul, spare my soul at least.


Sheets of paper flew out in the wind from her apartment and lay strewn on the streets.I picked up one soggy sheet. The red ink rushing across the paper,creating borders of its own. It talked about the meanings of the meaningless,the light beyond the darkness,the demons and the angels,the plastic dreams,the wrongfulness,the nefarious dreams and our forbidden love..


i pick up one particular sheet,the words of which had been cut so deep that the imprints remained even as the rain washed away her last words.. "..u noe dippsy..i finally followed that emerald blaze ov mine..and its funny how.....". i could take no more. tsk silly grl...my grl..My eyes blurred, holding my tears back,i squinted, trying to make out the last line..
"i love you
yours angelica"

so she did think of me.she knew it,she knew id come...

The rain still poured, blood trickled along her from her sleeping frame into the colorless streets and streaked them a defiant red.

Back off people this is my fairy tale.

the rain

how much i hate it when it rains. my loath has no particular reasons ..but then again,,neither do i find any proper reasons to like it,its more like god doing susu(well..that was my interpretation in class 2nd) or Mr god crying(all big men do cry after all) ..dunno which ones worse.
despite my love for water.. i hate it when my clothes get all wet..hate that dampness..hate that chill..

but today was different..it finally rained, making it all the more chilly. luked out of my window this morning..half ov me awake ..half ov me still mixed in those Quixotic dreams ov mine, where i fly towards that emerald blaze i still havent figured out... my eyebrows promptly furrowed and with a quick ugh i pulled up the covers again...

it had been two hours since it had stopped raining ..and i could feel the freshness up to my room..as i walked towards the balcony railing with shut eyes i tried to explore wat i couldnt with open eyes.yes i could still smell the dampness around,the cold air as it played around my nostrils,the soft patter as the droplets collected over some old rusted metal sheet.my feet now wet had started to send those wriggles upwards..
and the sky who seemed to have read my insides displayed all the colours ov my heart.grayness all around and beyond..with a stroke ov crimson and orange.
but something still seemed missing ..
maybe that laughter
maybe those after- fights
maybe the inner warmth
may be the teasing and sighs

felt like the painter left some gaps,left some holes,forgot something..
no! im not a cynic,i say wat i feel and that particular moment just didnt seem so perfect.
the gaps could have been filled, the holes could have been sewn,if only you had tried once...maybe.
And no! i cant just survive with your memories..i need you.

now where is my life heading???

now where is my life heading???

my life is socially ****ed up. i end up kissing people in the wrong places every time we meet
i live most ov my time on the computer screen.
music helps me survive.
coffee helps me stay alive.
my minds blocked most ov the time.
hve lost all my faith. --can some one bring it back to meh??i admit i wasnt faithful to it//but can we just go back to step one and start it all over again and i promise to take gud care of it this time.
i support gays and lesbians..(come onn they have a life too)
i love people..no!! i really do!
i want to runnaway.
movies help me dream..
i love to watch people.
need my daily doze of day dreaming to function.
failure seems a frnd now..but then again theres that some thing inside that keeps me going...and its soo positive that it scares me at times..(guess thats why im alive.)
betrayed. broken. ditched.
ive lost faith in love.
i cry when alone,till my head aches and eyes swell up like i have some eye flu or something.
people say im a loner..but i see a hermit staring back at me in the mirror.
i need to be consoled.
i suffer frm this disease called "spontaneous disclosure"..i need to tell people my life story instantaneously.
but then again..theres something inside that holds me together..and keep whispering those shitty "nothings impossible" quotes..

and i often need a hug nowadays..(*sigh..and some times pillows are all you have got..)

and i need to talk more often now..wont somebody listen..
`
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and ...i still believe..
in myself


am i sane?

my directionless life

I walk alone, this empty night. Not a map i hold. And i walk alone.
Heading towards the death hole ,I strain,I blink, I squint my eyes, still searching for a drop of light ,and i walk alone.
My legs giving up ..my breath betraying me..the weight of the world crushing my fragile shoulders. The entropy of my mind ever increasing, taking toll of all the sweet memories i had hidden in its drawers.

And now im scared.Scared to fly, scared to try, scared to believe in the thing called 'self'. Im scared of the dreams dancing inside me, performing rituals to bring closer my final doom. And im scared to blink my eyes.
Cant here what lifes got to say, fine!i admit im not even trying, All i can make out are the jeers and black sarcasm oozing out from my wounds of innocence.
tonight i laugh a nasty laugh..its music to my ears. Cant sleep unless it caresses my earlobes..guess it is my lullaby ultimate.

And i walk this never ending night alone. I think my minds forgotten the feel ov solace..But i still walk this empty night for a drop of light, to lighten up my extinguished life.

the stranger in my life

maybe they were right baby
maybe i was wrong
but what the fuck matters (shudder) they say
now that you and i are along

every time i needed to talk
every time i need to tell
they scoffed they scorned
and i let my untold secret rot inside
baby i felt so lonely
your crocodile tears now melting them away
god!you scowl your pretendence seemed so nice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nobodies gonna believe me
no not a soul tonight
that you are No straight human being
you are a devil in disguise
(evil laughter)

but your pretendence seems so nice
and your twisted feet now luk so right
come on...tear me down..
no fears!
your my blood slug vampish delight!
(evil laughter)
you fool around in public those artificial displays of affection
nobody can see your beautifully designed plans.
they say you are lovable,they say you are there man
but alone its only me who knows....

you are talking toll over my mind
you parasite i know im your pray 49
come on lets show them wats really in your wine
dont panic baby !your my blood slug vampish delight

cause i see no kindness in your eyes
and im too afraid to shut mine
im dying im telling the world no lie

trust me...im no ordinary girl
with a not so ordinary life
with stitched up lips and blindfolded eyes
i do this dirty dance tonight.

nobodies gonna believe me
no not a soul tonight
that you are no straight human being
you are a devil in disguise
(evil laughter)

i wanna show them watcha hiding
come babay lets dance a little closer tonight
im so done with all that 'has-to-be' and 'abiding'
im gonna pull that mask off you...below the twilight..
tonight..

cause i see no kindness in your eyes
just the foul secrets and lies
and im afraid to shut my eves ....im dying...
i speak no lie..

wont some body come read my eyes
cant you identify that schamooze
and the falseness he hides
my insecuroites hold no boud
i tried to tell..
..but they left me no choice.

no dont run! i dont wanna chase
shh...dont move..
luk through my eyes ..do you see ur commitecd sins in them?
your fear now evident (i love this)

im gonna help you chose your destiny
oh! baby is it too much?
my pretty face not so pretty anymore
come say your final prayers
bid off this mortal world once and for all
not that im in a better position than you are..
.....worse...much worse.....
cause i m the living dead...
(evil laughter)

alas! the world left me no choice.........


....infinite silence.