I had been shaking since the past two days and i knew what lay ahead. All I knew is that id have to fight, have to survive somehow..
My first glance at the paper and I went like >>>SHIT!! am I going to pass this??Nothing seemed right and after surviving on four hours of sleep since the past two days, I felt weak and had a strong urge to vomit on the phys paper it self..let bhavna know what kind of paper she threw at us; but the prob then would be that one wudnt be able two distinguish them frm each other.Yeah im calling the phy paper vomit, cause thats exactly what it was...
Alright so where were we, yes! I stood staring (or rather sat staring) at the paper and went like "I LL HAVE TO WRITE SOMETHING..!!!"; frankly i had lost all interest in the paper that hadnt started yet..
Two hours passed by and there i was, DONE!! Now i had one whole hour to all the stuff in the world!! And i went like, I have to do something>>!!
Alright so there I was calculating wether I was passing or not!! somewhat 50! perfect!(the papers out of 70). In-fact i felt like doing some kind of jig for my self,I mean when you havent touched phy the whole yr and then some how do something in 2 damn days ud feel like treating ur self!!
There. Done with that now I had 30 min to go.And i was staaaarrinng out of the window,watching the yellow and green leaves dancing in the wind,all possible hues of greens and browns..and I stared as if an albatross would fly by passing a rather crooked wink at me..
And i yawned,I was so exhausted that i didnt even bother to cover my mouth either. (MANNERS!!girl.manners!!),and i shamelessly looked around the class only to receive some more hopeless looks, yawning again I stared out of the window.This time Mrs Bhavna Pandey (our little phyicy) walked past me, and since the past 2hrs there , our frst eye contact.And she goes like paper done??!! And I gave her the look>you call that a paper,and simply shrugged; she was on the urge of laughter.Tsk Tsk .Poor woman, she didnt realize she would be answerable to the princy..!!Any how this time I didnt look out, I had my subject>>"Bhavna". She was dressed rather shabbily, wearing a white, sortov stained unironed/baaddly crumpled suit with some kind of flower patter done the kashmiri way.The colors, well, were something i wouldn't ever wear,matched with the most unmatched coloured sweater ever.She was leaning on the table ,her right foot playing with her sandal (sandal??!!god knows what that was) , I looked at her face,smug she was.A sense of satisfaction all across,she looked really affiable,and her brown eyes so sincere.....Coming to school only to shout her lungs out teaching some phy laws to student who werent even paying attention..i thought was she really content with her life? was this wat she desired/dreamt of? was this the perfect life she formulated in that little corner of her mind?...
I looked back at her feet, her half painted toe nails, and that funny toe ring it supported,all seemed to have a story of their own which they were dying to blurt out...
15 min to go, I felt like laughing ,in fact i suppressed a few giggles!!Seriously the whole situation seemed to mock me,the paper lying abandonded in front of me,the distant trees, the peon who at that moment spilled tea in the corridor, mam's aghast expression,the dumb chairs,her toe ring....all of them.
And I shut my eyes ...
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
the longing...( a diary extract. )
PHASE l
ahh!! this is life!
the winter sun, balcony floor, a squarish blue and maroon rug,english texts(poems and extracts unanonymous); i sit facing the sun, dealing with my most savoured things all togther.
not to forget, the frothy cold coffee and choco chip cookies. laiden with memories i do not wish to entertain...
*smiles* the curser me. the curse me.
ohh!! and the ants!!(* gets hyper pronto*) i missed you guys!! and i might just even share my cookies with you!
summers here!! tralalal!! my lovely summer!! *heart* *heart*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PHASE ll
just dealt with, *ahems*, DELT!! thats like an over over statement. i simply surrendered to my '15 min torture '. crazy crazy world. crazy crazy me.
eng paper tommorow,and thats supposed( note: supposed) to be a piece of cake; after all what else have i been doing other than blogging and chatting and reading the whole yr??!! so i take it as my test then. a test that wud prove that i havent actually ( note:actually) wasted the entire yr. so lets just wait and hope for the best.
you know wat; the entire class and our english teachers feel that the prescribed cbse texts for class 11th is pretty dull and boring and that we shud be given something cheerful and you noe the so called lesson- giving stuff . personally i feel they say so just because it wud make it easier for them to explain stuff. and as for the current text, there isnt anything to teach; its all about feeling it. and thats exactly what i love about it. if u come to think of it we r reading some really serious and sophisticated( yeah! ill call it that!) pieces of literature. one particular piece by amitav gosh contains some extact verses of his,and guess what our english teacher goes like leave it! just ignore that part!!?? o_0 i seriously dont believe her at times. and that part that she considers a waste actually is deep meaninged. why doesnt she admit she doesnt undrstand it or perhaps doesnt want to.but u see that doesnt give her any reason to stop us frm doing that.and as per the students , well they share her opinion! hmpf!! one fine day one of my class mate goes like " yes maam, its all too depressing!" , ugh!! go die!! dont these people realise, how many different type of writers, some poets too, we get a chance to get a taste of??!! *sigh* but how does one explain to them. i mean we've had a chance to read amitav gosh, khushwant Singh, Patrica pringle,vikram Seth, Shirley toulson, to name a few.. and they consider it all useless??!!
i completely fail to understand.
now i wait for this period to get over; a strong urge to be free. an urge to renew my earlier memories, of the touch of the paint droplet that falls frm the old wooden brush ,onto my white apron unannounced, to make the 4b pencils dance once again and let the charcoal put in the magic. i long for freedom .i long to write. i long to runnaway. yeah, someday i will...
ahh!! this is life!
the winter sun, balcony floor, a squarish blue and maroon rug,english texts(poems and extracts unanonymous); i sit facing the sun, dealing with my most savoured things all togther.
not to forget, the frothy cold coffee and choco chip cookies. laiden with memories i do not wish to entertain...
*smiles* the curser me. the curse me.
ohh!! and the ants!!(* gets hyper pronto*) i missed you guys!! and i might just even share my cookies with you!
summers here!! tralalal!! my lovely summer!! *heart* *heart*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PHASE ll
just dealt with, *ahems*, DELT!! thats like an over over statement. i simply surrendered to my '15 min torture '. crazy crazy world. crazy crazy me.
eng paper tommorow,and thats supposed( note: supposed) to be a piece of cake; after all what else have i been doing other than blogging and chatting and reading the whole yr??!! so i take it as my test then. a test that wud prove that i havent actually ( note:actually) wasted the entire yr. so lets just wait and hope for the best.
you know wat; the entire class and our english teachers feel that the prescribed cbse texts for class 11th is pretty dull and boring and that we shud be given something cheerful and you noe the so called lesson- giving stuff . personally i feel they say so just because it wud make it easier for them to explain stuff. and as for the current text, there isnt anything to teach; its all about feeling it. and thats exactly what i love about it. if u come to think of it we r reading some really serious and sophisticated( yeah! ill call it that!) pieces of literature. one particular piece by amitav gosh contains some extact verses of his,and guess what our english teacher goes like leave it! just ignore that part!!?? o_0 i seriously dont believe her at times. and that part that she considers a waste actually is deep meaninged. why doesnt she admit she doesnt undrstand it or perhaps doesnt want to.but u see that doesnt give her any reason to stop us frm doing that.and as per the students , well they share her opinion! hmpf!! one fine day one of my class mate goes like " yes maam, its all too depressing!" , ugh!! go die!! dont these people realise, how many different type of writers, some poets too, we get a chance to get a taste of??!! *sigh* but how does one explain to them. i mean we've had a chance to read amitav gosh, khushwant Singh, Patrica pringle,vikram Seth, Shirley toulson, to name a few.. and they consider it all useless??!!
i completely fail to understand.
now i wait for this period to get over; a strong urge to be free. an urge to renew my earlier memories, of the touch of the paint droplet that falls frm the old wooden brush ,onto my white apron unannounced, to make the 4b pencils dance once again and let the charcoal put in the magic. i long for freedom .i long to write. i long to runnaway. yeah, someday i will...
Friday, February 8, 2008
The Fake Smile
Drowning in an over flowing rather hostile crowd, she sits on a stair step,towards the right, 4th step from the bottom, lost in thought. the bubbling laughter and chirping voices warming the cold dancing floor fail to warm her her bitter hurt world. living a different character all together, scraping untouched lands you might not have even ever imagined; she floats on sand and rides the mist shacks...shes miles away leaving your rational mean world behind.
the distant look on her face thus justified.
she looks at you,but not at you. making you conscience or even smile. dont be fooled , shes not with you! with a heart ever ready to fly and a mind that flutters just out of sight , you cant really to much to stop her. she rules the city of broken dreams , not a bargainer nor a business to uphold-shes your very own dream goddess.
you savour her pretty peaceful expression unaware of the turmoil caused with in . those charming eyes,burning red rage, clenching tight tears desperate to fall, which eventually evaporate un- fallen. a ripped heart trying to hold together her million pieces , that dangle from her sky of betrayal....
as she sat her mind revinded back down the glittery memory lane.she reminisced those immature rather funny quarrels, those sweet-sweet after fights,intimidating sorries, the first fight, the very first make up, the stupid excuses, the teasing and sighs,and the little things that gave her away..
and as she remembered saline water drops blurred out of sight the little children playing tag forgetting the world behind. she remembered. and she wished. she wished to be a little girl once again, she longed for that perfect untouched heart..
hers had been a simple fairy tale.just that there had been no fairies, no dukes, no princes,no castles, no witches and no knights in shining armour. only she and her oaf. and their upside down completely mismatched world. they had absolutely nothing in common.
she dreamt. he slept. she talked. he nodded a disinterested head. and she cried.
this was so not done.all this wasnt going to take then anywhere.
she tried to get things in common, she tried relating to his type of music,she looked at the world frm his dimension, so much so that she, a nonsprty person started to watch complete soccer matches. every morning she looked up the newspaper scanning the sports section....and all the trouble inorder to find a common topic to talk about. it was the only way she could get her self heard.
but nothing helped.
she was waiting for her prince on a silver horse to take her away, and he was waiting for..(erm..him DREAMING???)be practical.wel anyways, its a crazy world folks.
"its was not his falt.its was not my fault .its was not our fault. we just loved. "she thought.
"he tried", she thought , "he really did try. he had a career to think about, his friends and lessons to learn as he formulated his miss perfect in his mind...''
it definitely wasnt her.
she called,she cried..he felt bad.
he thought, "does love really mean giving up the rest of my life??my friends..my drive..and she calls..and calls...and calls.."
he would get angry and hang up.
and all that "opposites attract" shit, suddenly seemed to mock her.
their magic wasnt glittery, not even distantly radiant. their magic was a wierd combination, such that "we" could never exsist.
"he really doesnt want to talk.hes always busy.he keeps telling me "i love you" evry day.so many times.bcause i askd him to?? because il not call again and hell be able to get on with the day in peace??
he is so happy in his own life. why would ANYBODY want a clingy,attention hungry lunatic on their shoulders?? but...im not mad.i love him.madly.and i want him to love me.madly.and miss me.and..im mad? " as she though.. a tear rolled down her cheek.
finally as she feared. he left.and she just stood their exhausted.
*********************
the distant look on her face thus justified.
she looks at you,but not at you. making you conscience or even smile. dont be fooled , shes not with you! with a heart ever ready to fly and a mind that flutters just out of sight , you cant really to much to stop her. she rules the city of broken dreams , not a bargainer nor a business to uphold-shes your very own dream goddess.
you savour her pretty peaceful expression unaware of the turmoil caused with in . those charming eyes,burning red rage, clenching tight tears desperate to fall, which eventually evaporate un- fallen. a ripped heart trying to hold together her million pieces , that dangle from her sky of betrayal....
as she sat her mind revinded back down the glittery memory lane.she reminisced those immature rather funny quarrels, those sweet-sweet after fights,intimidating sorries, the first fight, the very first make up, the stupid excuses, the teasing and sighs,and the little things that gave her away..
and as she remembered saline water drops blurred out of sight the little children playing tag forgetting the world behind. she remembered. and she wished. she wished to be a little girl once again, she longed for that perfect untouched heart..
hers had been a simple fairy tale.just that there had been no fairies, no dukes, no princes,no castles, no witches and no knights in shining armour. only she and her oaf. and their upside down completely mismatched world. they had absolutely nothing in common.
she dreamt. he slept. she talked. he nodded a disinterested head. and she cried.
this was so not done.all this wasnt going to take then anywhere.
she tried to get things in common, she tried relating to his type of music,she looked at the world frm his dimension, so much so that she, a nonsprty person started to watch complete soccer matches. every morning she looked up the newspaper scanning the sports section....and all the trouble inorder to find a common topic to talk about. it was the only way she could get her self heard.
but nothing helped.
she was waiting for her prince on a silver horse to take her away, and he was waiting for..(erm..him DREAMING???)be practical.wel anyways, its a crazy world folks.
"its was not his falt.its was not my fault .its was not our fault. we just loved. "she thought.
"he tried", she thought , "he really did try. he had a career to think about, his friends and lessons to learn as he formulated his miss perfect in his mind...''
it definitely wasnt her.
she called,she cried..he felt bad.
he thought, "does love really mean giving up the rest of my life??my friends..my drive..and she calls..and calls...and calls.."
he would get angry and hang up.
and all that "opposites attract" shit, suddenly seemed to mock her.
their magic wasnt glittery, not even distantly radiant. their magic was a wierd combination, such that "we" could never exsist.
"he really doesnt want to talk.hes always busy.he keeps telling me "i love you" evry day.so many times.bcause i askd him to?? because il not call again and hell be able to get on with the day in peace??
he is so happy in his own life. why would ANYBODY want a clingy,attention hungry lunatic on their shoulders?? but...im not mad.i love him.madly.and i want him to love me.madly.and miss me.and..im mad? " as she though.. a tear rolled down her cheek.
finally as she feared. he left.and she just stood their exhausted.
*********************
all quite now! she notices you staing at her. as she follows that familiar frown streaked expesion of yours,comming back to your world, the ends of her rosy lips curl upwards, betraying those rather solem eyes that havent once sparkled a smile since the past seven years.
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